Friday, May 18, 2012

Have you felt a Silk lately?

Starting from the Kuch khaas hai zindagi mein, Cadbury has done a stellar job in getting chocolates out of the kids' domain and making it 'cool' for people of all ages to enjoy. Be it the girl who danced onto the cricket pitch and into our hearts or the college kid who asked an unknown girl for something 'meetha' before doing something shubh, they became our favourite people. 

Cadbury now seems to have adopted a strategy of replacing the traditional Indian mithai in traditional situations - the after-dinner dessert, the mandatory meetha before beginning anything. 
So, a horny (but cutely so) guy is initially disappointed to hear about karela for dinner but then asks 'meethe mein kya hai?'. 
And then a sexy (but cutely so) girl practices breaking news of her pregnancy to her husband (or boyfriend? Why is she apprehensive?) when the guy offers her some 'meetha' instead of 'khatta'.  
To my mind, this is happy, safe territory. And no complaints because Cadbury's Dairy Milk is a happy, safe brand. It is an immensely feel-good snack and by keeping it in the enjoyment-celebration domain, Cadbury is doing absolutely the right thing. 

I always felt that when they launched Silk - a smoother, creamier chocolate (yes, I read the pack) - they should have positioned Silk as the choice of more devoted chocolate lovers and made the advertising a little more 'edgy'. It should be something I would be willing to give up a lot for. 
Instead the launch ad was a slightly unreal scenario of two Bharat Natyam dancers not going on stage so that they could finish off a bar of Silk. And a positively irritating ad about a mentally deficient boy who can't eat chocolate properly. (Statutory Disclaimer: I am a baby girl's father.)   
How is Silk good? A smarmy guy like that would do anything to be with a cute girl. He would even be okay with sharing Haldiram's chiwda, if that's what gets him lucky. 

I always felt that the Silk ad I liked best was never aired. 

You are happy. You have chocolate. What are you giving up for that? Nothing. Okay, cool. 
But here, the brand is saying, "Bugger, this Silk is so bloody good that you won't want to pick up your wife's call."
Wow. Like WOW! That's a claim worth sitting up and taking notice of.
And I also knew why they didn't air it. Because it was too edgy. It said all the wrong things. Abandoning your wife for some gooey chocolate? Hawww... 
I wouldn't have run this ad if I were the Cadbury Silk Brand Manager. But as a Cadbury Silk fan, I can watch it again and again. 
And call my wife back as soon as I finish the chocolate. 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Mothers' Day Post... Mandatorily

My mother is happily on Facebook, making a list on the best courtesans of Hindi cinema. To those of you who were wondering where I got the idea of writing a 'book of Bollywood lists', I hope you have got the answer. She's the one who ignited and fanned my near-obsessive love for Hindi cinema.
I have made a couple of Mothers' Day posts in the past about the Most Memorable Moms of Bollywood. And every time I wrote something about Mothers, I thought this was the last time as I must have surely exhausted my reserves. But as it goes, Bollywood doesn't let mother content finish. Ever.

This year, I thought of my five favourite 'Mother' scenes. Coincidentally - or naturally - most of them are big hits with her as well.

I had written a post on her birthday once (six years back, incidentally). That post was triggered by a Sunday viewing of Karan Johar's super-weepie, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham.
KJo had exaggerated a mother's intuition manifold and yet created a bloody effective scene in which SRK entered a mall and Jaya sensed his presence from afar. By intercutting the scene with images from SRK's entry scene of the movie, Karan Johar managed to create a scene that never fails to grip me (however much I hate the other parts of the film).

Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na had Ratna Pathak Shah as the ultimate cool mom. Being a single mom is nowhere close to being easy but she managed to maintain a perfect balance between being a mentor and a confidant.
As she lay on the sofa reading Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth, her son entered whistling and obviously happy with the first flush of love. She managed to capture the emotion with a wonderful line - "Honthon pe seeti, chaal mein uchhal. Majra kya hai?"
Nothing could have explained the mother-son relationship better than this one scene. (Watch from 1:08:40 onwards.)

Reema Lagoo in Maine Pyar Kiya was the first 'cool mom' of Bollywood. She understood her son and knew about his love perfectly well but decided to play a small prank on him. Despite it being slightly contrived, I had watched the scene so many times that I could recite the dialogues without a thought or a pause.

The most iconic mother film of all times - Deewaar - had several scenes where Nirupa Roy had the best lines and was the centre of attention. Though funnily, the most famous mother line in Hindi cinema - "Mere paas maa hai" - doesn't have the mother present.
Neither does my Mom scene from the film. As Nirupa Roy remained unconscious in an ICU, her atheist son climbed the stairs of 'her' temple for the first time in his life. And did something we never imagined possible - he vented his anger at God. In the most touching display of a son's devotion toward his mother, Amitabh Bachchan told God that he was willing to turn himself in if only he gave him his mother back.
Whenever - in the last 37 years - Amitabh Bachchan has gone on a world tour, he has been asked to perform this scene. And for the last 37 years, there hasn't been a dry eye in the audience.

Aradhana was the first film that she recommended that I watch (preferably unblinkingly). And I obeyed her and understood the charisma of a filmstar for the first time. Especially in this scene.
Sharmila had just been released from prison and she was taken to an Air Force base by her foster-niece, who wanted Sharmila to meet her fiance. As a side-actor (called Subhash Ghai) announced the arrival, the familiar background score of the film reached a crescendo, the mother saw the smartest Air Force officer walk towards her.
You know the context. You know the scene. Let me not spoil it with my blabbering.

And while I am at it, I might as well link to this exquisite P&G film.
When I first saw this, I - quite strangely - did not think of my mother but my wife. Probably because my sister and I were such angels (koff koff) that my mother's job couldn't have been the toughest in the world. My wife - on the other hand - has her task cut out with two of the world's naughtiest kids. Hopefully, they will end up on an Olympic podium one day.

Happy Mothers' Day! 

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Prince vs King


Today, the Prince of Calcutta takes on his erstwhile kingdom in – what is being called – the most anticipated match in this year’s IPL. Calcuttans and Bengalis the world over have chosen this match to teach Shah Rukh Khan a lesson for treating our Prince badly.
Today, I am in a minority among Bengalis (and Indians) as I support KKR – like I have done for the last five years.

I hate Sharad Pawar. I hate N Srinivasan. I hate whoever the Chairman of selectors is. But I don’t support Australia when they play India.
I have a million grouses against the way Indian cricket is run but I still scream my lungs out when Dhoni plays the helicopter shot to hit a six.
And I share this hate-love emotion with a billion Indians. I cannot think of a single Indian – except probably Srikkanth – who loves BCCI.

Strangely, Bengalis and Calcuttans have chosen to do the opposite. 
Probably because IPL is not real cricket and more of a carnival. I am sure if Sourav goes on to coach, say, New Zealand, the same people will not cheer for them when they play India.

Since the grouse is against the owner and not against the city, the anger should also be directed that way.
Don’t buy KKR jerseys. Don’t buy the products SRK endorses. Boycott brands which sponsor KKR. Most importantly, don’t buy the stadium tickets. By paying big bucks to go to Eden Gardens (and cheer for Pune), you are actually strengthening the franchise (and thereby reducing the chance of someone else buying it out).
Support Kolkata, not SRK. 

I love Sourav Ganguly. But not more than I love Calcutta.
This is my city and my team. And I will not let a stammering ham take it away from me.

Go Kolkata!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Kitnay Questions Thay?

Come to think it, writing a book on Bollywood was a LOT of fun. For nearly a year now, I have been happily thinking of entries for my 50 lists, checking clips on YouTube, scouring IMDb for additional info, writing them down and re-writing them to squeeze in more jokes! It was great fun… till I hit the proof-reading stage.
Proofs are supposed to be filled with misaligned paragraphs, extra line breaks, colons instead of semi-colons and inconsistent spelling of proper nouns. Now, add all of that to a book loaded with film names, song lyrics and dialogues to get a 70-mm, Dolby stereophonic, Love Story 2050-sized disaster. 
On top of that, add an author who has no knowledge of Hindi and you are left with a book-full of decisions on whether it should be ‘hain’ or ‘hai’.

Anyway, I have finally managed to (hopefully) eradicate all such mistakes and sent the manuscript back to my publishers – leaving behind about 50 lines from the book, which have hain/hai in them. To make the best out of a tiring situation, I thought I will transform these lines into a Bollywood Dialogue Quiz!

12 fill-in-the-blank type questions on some famous and some not-so-famous lines from Bollywood!

1.      Fill in the blanks: Iss story mein ­­_____ hai, _____ hai, _____ hai. (You have to give it in the correct order.)

2.      A landmark (* T&C apply) line from a Subhash Ghai film. Again, fill in the blanks: ____ khilakey pass pass aane ki koshish kar rahi hai.

3.      Somebody said this about Aamir Khan. Woh achha chhokra hai but he is not _____. What isn’t he?

4.      Which film had these lines: Aaja Honey / Mausam hai funny / Charo taraf sannata / Koi na marega mainu chnaata. Bonus point: Who said it?

5.      The answer is: Ek aisi machine jo har sawaal ka theek jawaab deti hai. What is the question? And who asked it?

6.      Sitter. Fill in the blanks with two words: Aaj zindagi mein pehli baar _____ ki sher se takkar hui hai.

7.      Name the character to whom this is addressed: Ishwar ka ashirwaad hota hai ek chutki sindoor. Suhagan ka sar ka taaj hota hai ek chutki sindoor...

8.      Fill in the blank: Naam hai mera ____, baby humein tum nahin jaanta. Bonus Point: Name the two institutions which collaborated on this song.  

9.      Bachpan se hai sar pe Allah ka haath, aur ______ hai apne saath. – Whose saath?

10.  Daaru ki botal mein kahen pani bharta hai / Phir na kehna _____ daaru peeke danga karta hai. Who creates a ruckus after drinking?

11.  Harpreet Singh Bedi said, “Mere ____ kum hain, ____ nahin...” Complete his confident statement.

12.  And finally, a lesser known line from an all-time classic: Aurat apna farz nibha chuki. Ab _____. What?

You know where to find the answers… except that it is not coming out till June!

UPDATED TO ADD: Just to clarify, you will not have to wait for the book (ahem) for the answers to this quiz. I will publish the answers by Sunday evening IST.

ANSWERS
1.   Iss story mein ­­emotion hai, drama hai, tragedy hai. – Veeru (Dharmendra), Sholay.
One point for the words. One point for the order.  
2.   Pass Pass khilakey pass pass aane ki koshish kar rahi hai. – Isha Puri (Kareena Kapoor), Yaadein.
The Movie with the Worst Product Placements Ever. When they were not plugging Coke, they were plugging Pass Pass Mouth Freshener.  
3.   Woh achha chhokra hai but he is not an Iyer. – Mr Iyer, Hum Hain Rahi Pyar Ke.
Vaijayanthi’s father was very impressed by his daughter’s suitor but felt that he had one major flaw!
4.   Sardar Makkhan Singh (Rajendranath) said these lines in An Evening in Paris.
One point for the film. One point for the speaker/actor.
5.   Yeh computer-computer kya laga rakkha hain? – RK Gupta (Sanjeev Kumar), Trishul.
This is probably the first time a computer was mentioned in a Hindi film. I have given points to all who have identified the film/situation correctly.  
6.   Aaj zindagi mein pehli baar Sher Khan ki sher se takkar hui hai. – Sher Khan (Pran), Zanjeer.  
7.   Ramesh Babu is the person to whom these lines were addressed. “Ek chutki sindoor ka keemat tum kya jaano, Ramesh Babu…”
8.   Naam hai mera Fonseca, baby humein tum nahin jaanta.Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar
Queen’s College and Rajput College performed this number at the Inter-college Music Competition  of Dehradun.
One point for the names. One point for the names of the colleges.  
9.   Bachpan se hai sar pe Allah ka haath, aur Allah Rakha hai apne saath. – Iqbal (Amitabh Bachchan), Coolie.
10. Daaru ki botal mein kahen pani bharta hai / Phir na kehna Michael daaru peeke danga karta hai. – Michael (Pran), Majboor.  
11. Mere marks kum hain, dimaag nahin. – Harpreet Singh Bedi (Ranbir Kapoor), Rocket Singh: Salesman Of The Year.
12. Aurat apna farz nibha chuki. Ab maa apne bete ka intezaar karne jaa rahi hai. – Sumitra Devi (Nirupa Roy), Deewaar.

POINTS (out of 15) 
Excuse errors since it is done very sleepily, at the fag end of the KKR match!
Khalil Sawant – 4.5
Keeping it Simple – 9
Amit – 10
Anonymous – 1
Plaban Mohanty – 5.5
Kittam Kittu – 8
Sumit – 6
Rahul – 4.5 5.5
Abhishek Mukherjee – 9
Anon (2) – 1.5 and to answer your query, we will have a Kindle edition.
The Quark – 8 (though I would like to see the version of Sholay in which Veeru says 'kahaani’ and not ‘story’!) 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Chapter 1

This is the first chapter of an intended novel I started to write in mid-2007. It went nowhere, probably because I did not have a plot. Okay, I had a plot which did not have an ending. Writing chapter after chapter of banter inspired by F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was not going to become a book anyway. 
A recent conversation on Facebook with a friend on why-I-cannot-write-a-novel reminded me of this. 

* * * * * 
“Why would Abhishek Saxena invite me for his birthday?” Gaurav Lahiri asked his roommate as he plonked down on the sofa opposite him at the Carter Road Barista.
“Do you think all these hot babes stay in Bandra?” asked Atul Dandekar – his roommate – in return.
There was a brief pause.
“Yaar, what did I say? And what the fuck did you say?”
“Fuckface, I just hate it when you just intrude on my thoughts. Actually, you just pulled the chain on my train of thoughts.” Atul chuckled happily at his disgusting joke.
As Gaurav brought his cold coffee to the table, Atul asked, “Didn’t Zen’s wife work in your office?”
Zen was the b-school nickname of Abhishek Saxena, for his Zen-ish tranquility in the face of tough exams.
“Yes, yaar. But I avoid her like the bubonic plague.”
“Yaar Gorilla, why do you Bongs use big words for no reason? Have you ever seen a bubonic plague?”
Gorilla, BTW, was the nickname given to Gaurav Lahiri in b-school, derived by abbreviating his name and surname. 
“Bloody hell, everybody knows about the bubonic plague. You get it when a rat bites you.”
“Haan. Then half of India would have got the bubonic plague. Why do you avoid her, but?”
“Because she is a pain in the ass, yaar. She is the not-tonight-darling-my-pubic-hair-will-get-messed-up kind of girl.”
Atul gaped for a second while he assimilated this description.
“Yes, I think I know the types. So, he called you and invited?”
“No, yaar. Sweety invited me. She said…”
“Ab yeh Sweety kaun hain?”
“Sweety is Zen’s wife, yaar. Who else? And why do people not have a more formal name than Sweety?”
“Because only you Bongs have all the time in the world to keep five names for everybody. One for school. One for work. One for the mother’s side of the family. One for the father’s side. All the world has one name only. Oh fuck – isn’t that Deepika Padukone?”
“No, it isn’t”, said Gaurav without even turning around. “Deepika Padukone is shooting for ad films in Phuket. She is not going around Baristas giving darshan to horny Ghatis like you.”
“Eh bhai. Just because Zen’s wife annoys you doesn’t mean you will abuse me… so, she invited you? Why?”
“Because she doesn’t know any of his batchmates. And I am the nearest bakra. And I have a lusty voice to shout SURPRISE. And I am tall enough to switch on the mains when Zen enters the flat in darkness.”
“God, she told you all that?”
“No, idiot. Only the switching on the mains part. I was like totally flummoxed, yaar. She is planning an elaborate surprise party with like Zen entering flat in complete darkness. All guests hiding under the sofa types. Suddenly lights come on and Haaapppy Birthday to youuuu.”
“She so looks like Deepika that it’s not funny.”
“Deepika? She is your chaddi buddy or what?”
“No yaar. But I can pretend, no? Better than having Sweety Saxena as your bosom pal! So practice switching the mains on and off so that you can do it with a flourish! Aisa na ho ki everybody jumps with a scream and it is still darkness because you slipped…”
“Yaar, your juvenile jokes are killing me.”
“Haan haan, if my jokes are juvenile, then your jokes are puerile.” Atul declared almost with a regal air.
“What is the meaning of puerile?”
“How do I know? The guy next to me on the local was reading a GRE prep book. I saw this one – and I knew it was a bad thing – because all the answer choices were like that. And I also learnt phantasmagoria. Though I have no clue about the meaning, I think I will still use it sometime.”
“Look I know for some seven years now, I don’t think you can use phantasmagoria in a sentence without people around you collapsing!”
“Chal chal. Bloody intellectual Bungali. Go and buy party hats for your best friend.”
“Somehow, she felt from the way Zen speaks about me that he is very fond of me.”
“What are you saying? Zen is fond of people other than himself?”
“He apparently said that if I had studied a little bit more, I could have topped the batch.”
“Boss, if all of us had studied more, all of us could have topped the batch. So, what’s the fun? At the end of the day, only Zen topped and now he has a babe wife and we are still bachelors.”
“You think we are bachelors because we flunked OB 3?”
“Not exactly but you know what I mean.”
“BTW, how do you know she is a babe?”
“Easy. Why else would you give a sex metaphor to describe her touch-me-not attitude?”
Gaurav smiled at the guy, who probably knew him better than his own parents.
“Shall we make a move? What has she cooked for dinner?”
Atul stood up, stretched his arms and arched his back enough for his shirt to come untucked. “How do I know?”, he yawned. 
“Achha – what can I give Zen for his birthday?”
“Buy him a tie. Ideal for consultants. In fact, we can go to Shoppers Stop. While you are finding the cheapest and most disgusting tie, I will try out a few perfumes from that Dishika babe.”
“What kind of despo would remember names of salesgirls?”
“I am not despo. You are a fucking frustu. She wrote her number behind that flyer and gave me. That’s why I remember.”
“Yeah right. You badgered her…” Gaurav stopped mid-sentence when he realized that they were both standing and the uncle on the next table was listening quite intently to their conversation.“Let’s make a move”, he said and moved towards the exit.
“Bloody hell. She IS Deepika Padukone. People are taking autographs.”
Now, Gaurav turned around and looked at the leggy lady who was now the center of attention at the coffee shop. One look at the high cheekbones and that hint of a dimple – and he knew he had to catch Om Shanti Om first day. 
“Hey. That Stephen Covey book you got at the sales conference…”
“No, I haven’t written my name on it. You want to give that book to Zen?”
“Yeah.” Gaurav smiled. “It’s so easy to live with you, Dandy. Will you marry me?”
“Chutiya, you had to ask me that question while I am looking at the most beautiful woman in India?”
They walked towards Gaurav’s car parked across the road. 

* * * * * 
Okay, so don't tell me whether you liked it or not. There's nothing to go by. 
Tell me what you think the plot was going to be. What was I thinking? Where were the characters named in this chapter headed? 
Better still, why don't you write the second chapter? Not much, just 1000 words to take the story a little forward. 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Yudh ka ek hi niyam... Vijay!

It has been a very long time since I wrote a post on sales. But then, it has been an even longer time since I did sales. I sit in an air-conditioned office and watch adrenaline flow around me, occasionally pooling near my ankles and getting me to design some pitches for braver people to deliver.
I discovered some old files in an old laptop and thought I'd put them up... so that those emotions don't get lost and I can come back to them once in a while.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting some of my thoughts from the time I was a trainee and an ASM...


If it’s Tuesday, it must be Belgaum...
It all started with the the Management Trainee stint - a cross-city, cross-state hike across some state of India. And one followed the never-ending routine of Catch Bus at 10-Sleep (or try to) on Bus-Reach Town-Freshen Up at Hotel-Meet distributor-Do Secondary-Destroy Damaged Stocks-Collect Draft-Eat Dosa for Dinner-Catch Bus at 10... ad nauseum!
It was almost out of a George Orwell novel that ALL the towns had one Shanthi International Lodge (where Channel 1 on the TV invariably was FTV!) and one Hotel Krishna (all of whom invariably charged extra for the second bowl of sambhar!). All this made the task of town-distinction all the more difficult...
And the object of this hike was to get sales orders from distributors. 
Simple, no? 
But just to make it interesting, the distributors did not speak any of the languages that you did! I always knew all those prizes at Dumb Charades would be of some use at some point of time! But who would have thought one would have to act out thus... Tamil, Eight Words, “Two Lakhs Demand Draft Consumer Offer On Soap”. 

What Bengal Thinks Today... Bihar has already invoiced!
I spent the first two years of my sales career in the two adjacent states of East and it was quite... umm... well... err... unadjectivable.
What can you say about guys who demanded to buy a truckload of stock at the highly discounted staff sales rate? And then wanted to know if Staff Sales operated on credit!
What can you say about guys who ranked RSMs solely on the basis of their entertainment potential? And their favourite was a RSM who scared CFA staff with rubber snakes at the month-closing!
These two teams cribbed a lot, haggled even better – and finally made the numbers... at least, most of it!
And when I am asked to name the better team, I quote a team member, who put it very aptly, “Boss, Bengal mein team ASM ke liye jaan de sakte hain. Aur Bihar mein team ASM ke liye jaan le sakte hain...
Though I am still trying to figure out which is better! 

And why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
From the points of view of the different departments in a MNC, this age-old question got completely divergent answers. From my (then) position as a lowly ASM, all of them sounded very logical and very unfair. Now with my substantial experience and perspective, I find them to be... very illogical but completely fair.     

Marketing (Bullet points from Presentation at Launch Conference):
·         Estimated market size of chicken crossing: Rs 2300 crores
·         980% increase in advertising spend
·         4% discount on all crossings this month
·         We Aim to be Number 1 in this category by Day after Tomorrow

Sales Training: In order to formalise a process for chicken crossing, which can be followed nationally, we have prepared a 61-slide presentation to be cascaded down to all Pareto chickens. This needs to be rolled down with immediate effect and a member from Category Support/Sales Training will be present at the programme. 

Distributor (To Sales Supervisor): Sir, 3000 peti chicken thel diye they launch ke liye. Ab uske upar cheque bhi laga diye hain… kuchh chicken wapas na cross kiya to kaise chalega? 

Sales Representative (To ASM): Boss, competition chicken pe bhayankar scheme chala raha hain… 200 peti chicken bechne par Bangkok trip pe bhej raje hain! Hamara chicken kaise bikega? Aap bhi kuchh fund nikaliye… phir dekhiye usse teen guna chicken agar thok nahin diya to mera naam bhi…

Metro-ASM (Silent Prayer): Oh God – finally a chicken of the ’05 batch has crossed! Hopefully, NOW they will send me to Marketing!

Upcountry RSM (Silent Anguish): Shit – 17.5 weeks stock of chicken! 

Sales Commercial (Memo to all ASMs): Since the chicken has crossed the road for the third time this year, as per Benckiser policy, we are putting the chicken on draft. In order to reduce debts >60 days, we are reducing the credit days of all the uncrossed chickens to 21. Your cooperation is solicited.

Logistics (Memo to the CFA): We have received an update from the sales teams that chickens are being crossed. Please note that if all the chickens don’t cross by the deadline of 5 p.m. on the fourth Saturday, we will have no option but to reverse all uncrossed chickens. 

HR (Memo to the chicken): In view of the Non-Compete Clause that you had accepted as part of your employment contract, it is our duty to remind you that you may start crossing but you may not reach the other side of the road within 18 months of the date of termination of your employment.

Category Support Team (Memo to IN-HQ-Sales): To monitor the rapid changes in the market place, one needs to keep track of indicators like chickens crossing the road. In the attached format, please fill (on a weekly basis) the beat-wise details of the chicken-crossings and send it to the Regional Office. The ZSM/RM can collate the data CFA-wise and send it to Corporate Office no later than the afternoon hours of every Tuesday.

Global HO: In accordance with the Global Integration Policy, we have decided to align the branding across all markets and call the chicken Air-chick from now on. All marketing & field communications, product graphics and advertising should incorporate this change with immediate effect. 


BTW, the title of the post comes from Shah Rukh Khan's then magnum opus - Asoka. A perceptive colleague once told me that every month-closing in sales is like the Kalinga War. There is bloodshed and gore when it is on. Repentance and mourning once it is over. 

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Yunus Parvez: A Retrospective

Lazing around at home, one thinks of those unsung heroes who have contributed to the richness of Indian popular culture and the lack of recognition they endure.
One of Hindi cinema's most durable character artistes - Yunus Parvez - died in Feb 2007. Since Twitter hadn't become a rage then, he did not get any RIP hashtags and passed on with a cursory mention on Zee News probably. I did not even realise that he had passed away till I searched today and was mighty impressed by the fact that he has acted in 277 films in between 1963 and 2005. That's a longer time in the industry than Amitabh Bachchan.

As a tribute to this unsung hero (and many like him, whom I had written about earlier), I thought I will list out ten of his roles I remember (and since I am completely jobless AND mindblowingly benevolent, I have dug out most of the screenshots as well)!  

Zanjeer
This was probably the first role where he got noticed, even though I have no recollection of him speaking any lines but as the screenshot shows, he shared space with two of Bollywood's most illustrious police officers.



Trishul
As Bhandari, he had a properly formed role (complete with a backstory). He was the slimy office minion with a mistress - leading him to divulge tender amounts of RK Constructions to Shanti Builders.
He was also there in a similar role in Kaala Patthar, as a 'Head Engineer' of the mines.



Shaan
He was the crooked hotel owner - a cameo to announce the entries of Amitabh Bachchan and Shashi Kapoor. He got conned by a trick played by the duo, thus proving the adage 'you can't cheat an honest man'.



Angoor

I was reminded of this role by a commenter (The Quark) in the earlier post on Tej Sapru as a gem-cutter with a perfect command over the delicate nuances of Urdu.




Mr India
As Maniklal, he was the landlord of the sea-facing mansion Arun Verma and his orphanage occupied. He tried to evict them when Mogambo wanted the mansion but his pan-chewing threats came to a naught when an invisible man and a crime reporter came to the party!



Tridev
He was the director of the film within the film. His film has an established heroine (Sonam) and a debutant villager (Naseeruddin Shah) singing the biggest hit of the year. Oye oye!


Mohra

He was the editor of a newspaper that employed Raveen Tandon who ran a campaign on the front pages to release a unfairly convicted do-gooder. Initially, he seemed livid at this campaign and deliriously happy the very next moment when a phone call informed him that the sales of the newspaper have gone up because of it!


COMMERCIAL BREAK: For a longer listing of newspapers and films within films, do buy Kitnay Aadmi Thay? Completey Useless Bollywood Trivia, soon to be released by Westland Books. 

Saajan
He was Anees sahab, editor of the publishing house that brought out young poet Saagar's nazm. He praised the young poet generously, forwarded him fan mail and donated the royalty money to an orphanage. And he had a turn of the phrase - "Shairi ki kasam..."

Golmaal
As Bade Babu of Urmila Corporation, he was a poet of sorts too. He came up with the anthem of procrastinators - "Aaj kare so kal kar, kal kare so parson / Itni jaldi kya hain bhaiya jab jeena hain barson?" He maintained files of experienced people to recruit from and disgusted the receptionist by his habit of pulling out his nose hair.



Deewaar
As Rahim Chacha, he had a momentous role. He explained to Vijay why billa number 786 was something he should never let go. And one of the most explosive dialogues in the film was addressed to him - "Rahim Chacha - jo pachchees baras mein nahin hua, woh ab hoga. Agle hafte ek aur coolie mawaalion ko paise dene se inqaar karne wala hain".




So, did I miss out anything significant? 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

চিত্রনাট্য ও সংলাপ

In my earlier post on Hindi movie dialogues, a perceptive commenter asked about my favourite dialogue from Bengali films and put me in a quandary. The Bengali films I have watched all my life are not the coin-throwing, whistle-blowing, jumping-in-the-aisles variety. I have steadfastly avoided Posenjit and seen the star only as Prasenjit Chattopadhyay. In fact, I wrote a post on masala Bengali dialogues – mildly poking fun at them. 
But when I thought about it, there were so many lines that have come to me and score highly on the parameters of Performance, Immediate Impact and Repeat Value that I had to excise mercilessly to keep the list down to a small number (11). 

So, here is a list – in no particular order (except the last one) – of my favourite dialogues from Bengali films. I have given a bit of context and avoided translation. Why? Say the words “But I have mother” and you’ll realize why.  

Unt ki knata bechhey khai?Shonar Kella
Every line which Lalmohan Ganguly a.k.a. Jatayu (played by Santosh Dutta, in the best comic performance ever) said in this film deserves to be enshrined in a Hall of Fame for Cinematic Dialogues. But I will go with this non-sequitur which makes perfect sense in the context of the Bengali conversation where it appears.
BONUS QUOTE: Apnar Gyanpeeth phoshkey gelo.Joi Baba Felunath
When Feluda realized super-popular novelist Jatayu did not know the meaning of sholko (fish’s scales), he pointed out that Jatayu is not graduating to Critics’ Choice in a hurry.    

Ei romantic surroundings-ey tomar hoito money hochhey, love is the most important thing in the world. Kintu Kolkatai phirey giye tomar jodi kokhono money hoi prem-er cheye security boro kimba security thekey prem grow kortey parey, taholey amai janio. Kemon?Kanchanjungha
I love this line because this was said by a character – which was the exact opposite of an ‘author backed role’. While the heroine was talking about the mists of Darjeeling and Tagore, he – an engineer (gasp!) – went on and on about bridges and dams. But then, he redeemed himself with this line. It was the most unromantic ‘proposal’ in the world but it had grace, it has simplicity and if not anything else, it had an element of realism that was the perfect counterpoint to the unreal magnificence of the Himalayas.  

Ki madam, Bangla-medium boyfriend poshachhena?22ey Srabon
22ey Srabon had many lines that were clever, topical, layered and eminently memorable. But as a Bengali medium boy, I identify too much with this one. Every time a Modern (pun intended for Calcuttans only) girl gets exasperated with the set ways of her boyfriend/husband, this is the taunt. It has been said many times in real life. I was just glad it has been immortalized on film.
Don’t forget the funny frustration of the police chief (“amra ki kendriyo sarkar na PC Sarkar?”) or Prasenjit’s gentle but damning admonition to a late-comer (“Goto 12 minutey 8 ta rape hoye gelo deshey aar tumi goli-ta miss korey geley?”).

Janar kono shesh nei, janar cheshta britha tai.Hirak Rajar Deshey
Intellectual Bengalis are raised with “lekha para korey jey, gadi ghoda chorey shey”, establishing a direct correlation between education and affluence. The King of Hirak felt education breeds revolution and convinced young students with a reverse logic. Since you are never going to finish learning, why bother?

Sheta ki bhalo na kharap?Seemabaddha
As I had mentioned in an earlier post, Satyajit Ray was mostly about questions and seldom answers.  Nothing exemplifies this better than this question of Seemabddha, where a corporate executive took the ‘right’ steps in his life & career but was forced to answer if that was good or bad. The question returned again and again as the answers kept getting tougher to face.   

Tumi amai bolo Uttam Kumar.Basanta Bilap
Women sometimes imagine their boyfriend to be Adonis. Or in the case of 1960s Bengal, Uttam Kumar. Only in the zaniest situation does the boyfriend imagine his girlfriend imagining him to be Uttam Kumar. And if that does not happen, then he makes it happen. One of Bengal’s best-loved Chinmay Roy was the exact antithesis to Uttam Kumar but with this line, he ensured that he had almost as many fans.

Ami Jhinder bandi noii. Ami Jhinder raja.Jhinder Bandi
A rocking adaptation of Prisoner of Zenda, Uttam Kumar was recruited as a stand-in for the missing king of Jhind and an army of loyal retainers attempted to mould him. And just when the directions and training became a little too intrusive, he turned around and said what Bengal knew all along. He wasn’t a prisoner of fame. He was the King.

Rape aar molestation-er moddhey tofat-ta thik ki?Dahan
Probably Rituparno Ghosh’s best film, Dahan was an amazingly real picture of modern society and its hypocrisy. When a couple was physically assaulted in full public view, a circus erupted. In addition to the attempts to shield the guilty, there was voyeurism from supposedly concerned parties. In this case, a husband’s colleague said this line and very subtly channeled his outrage to titillation.  

Pratham inaam dewar adhikar grihaswamir.Jalsaghar
Satyajit Ray’s forte wasn’t bravura. His characters were real, not prone to bombast.  But they were never beyond showing an upstart his place.
Chhabi Biswas, Bengal’s most legendary character actor, gave a commanding performance as an impoverished zamindar. And at the end of a stunning performance in his jalsaghar, he flicked his ivory-encrusted stick to stop a nouveau riche rival from throwing money at the performer. The host has to do it first, he intoned. And with regal air intact, he handed over his last pouch of gold coins.   

Lokey boley Cruci-fiction. Ami boli Cruci-fact. Karon ami toh nijer chokhey dekhechhi. – Mahapurush
He loved having roasted hippos. He edited the Manu Samhita. He knew Buddha when he was a chhokra. He was there when Nebu(chadnazzar) was a nabalok. He taught Einstein relativity. And he was there at the time of Nativity.
Many consider the film version to be inferior to the novel (Birinchi Baba) but I disagree – on the basis of this one line. Okay this one and “Kashi Benaras, not kashi khuk khuk”. 

Dada, ami bnachtey chaai. – Meghey Dhaka Tara
And finally, this is the line I love most. You could call me a masochist but Ritwik Ghatak blurred the line between compelling and gut-wrenching with each one of his films and nothing demonstrates it better than this one line. A perfect ending to a perfect film, it is – on one hand – depressing. On the other, it is a message of hope.

Honourable Mention
Hamare yahaan Bidya Vidya shob ek hain, madam.Kahaani
To lighten the mood, my post-final entry is from what I consider a Bengali film. This, for once, needs no context because everybody and their missing husbands seem to have seen the film (or at least the trailer).

Waiting for what? Write your favourites down also, no?

All of the above are from memory. Please excuse errors. (Will try to link from YouTube for some of them, if I get time.) 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

3 Days in Calcutta

In one of my earlier food posts, I had talked about iconic restaurants and caused the controversies that inevitably emerge when Bengalis discuss food! Recently, the post attracted a long, well-written comment seeking recommendation. 
Was going through your old blogs about Calcutta. Even though I am from a 'Hai Raam-you said ANDA' variety of UP brahmin family, have always been a wannabe bong. And now have turned my thoroughbred beef eating mallu husband into one hell of a bong convert. So much so that we are sneaking away to Calcutta for 3 days which has left our families befuddled and enlightening us about Air Asia and cheap foreign travel ;). I have always been a fan of yours and would love to have a chance to explore the place through your eyes. The must dos and eats and drinks! I have been there once and did the Victoria memorial, Flurry's routine but would love to spend these 3 days as a true blue bong would. Would you mind helping me out if it is not too inconvenient for you? I promise to return the favor by divulging all the secrets held close to my heart about Lucknow and Bangalore! Pretty please?

I immediately replied on how outsiders can spend 3 days in Calcutta. But after writing that comment, I realized it probably applied to more people desirous of spending some time there.
So, re-posting my response here…

You want to spend 3 days in Calcutta like a true-blue Bong would? Check into Ffort at Raichak and don’t move unless you have to eat or drink. I am told there’s a new place called Ganga Kutir – which is even more luxurious, pays even more attention to culinary matters and frowns at physical activity and raised voices. But I am sure you don’t want to do that…

Try to eat at Mocambo (Devilled Crabs), Peter Cat (Chelo Kabab), Arsalan and Shiraz (Mutton biriyani), Kewpies (Bengali cuisine) for the meals. Remember – it is important to eat at both Arsalan and Shiraz. Otherwise you would never be able to take sides during the Great Biriyani Debate and remain a perennial outsider to Calcuttans.

Between meals, make do with (double-egg, double-chicken) rolls at Kusum (Park Street), pastries at Kookie Jar (just ahead of La Martiniere school), phuchka near Bibekananda Park (on Southern avenue) and coffee at, well, Coffee House (College Street).

Don’t forget to sneak in a drink or two at Olypub (Park Street) along with cocktail sausages. Browse books at College Street. Watch a movie at Nandan. Catch a play. Visit Presidency College. Take a tram ride around the Maidan.
While on the subject of drinks, it has been ages since I had a drink during the interval of a movie. Do that as well. Unless the world has come to an end, New Empire or Lighthouse should still have the bars.

Chat with the cabbies. Ask the Nandan usher for a review of the movie. Tell the Presi students their college sucks. Walk past 1/1 Bishop Lefroy Road. Get on the Metro and get off at Uttam Kumar. Buy a CD of Rabindrasangeet. Passionately criticize the ‘blue colouring’ of the city. Floor the citizens by asking “amai ektu Bangla shikhiye deben?

Fall in love with the city. And then spend the rest of your life trying to explain to the infidels why.

People are watching Kahaani, liking Kahaani and praising Kahaani. They are singing eulogies of Vidya Balan, Sujoy Ghosh, Parambrata Chattopadhyay and Bob Biswas. Nobody (except Abhishek) is talking about the bewitching presence that deserves all the Best Supporting Actress awards for this year. The film couldn’t have worked without the hynoptic setting of Calcutta. 
You sexy thing. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

Dialogue. Dialogue. Dialogue.


A few days back, my wife’s sister-in-law (who’s a kindred spirit when it comes to food and Bollywood) asked me to change my BB status message to my favourite Hindi film dialogue. And awakened a monster – albeit a friendly one. I got so excited that I was changing my Blackberry AND Facebook statuses every 15 minutes, even tweeting them for good measure!

When I asked people on Facebook if they agreed with my choice, I had 38 comments in a flash with mostly serious (and passionate) choices though the spell was nearly broken by my good friend, Arijit, who insisted “Mere do do baap. Mere do do baap.” from Gopi Kishen should be considered.

For a film line to be memorable beyond generations, languages, caste, creed and OBC quotas, it has to – in my humble opinion – have: 
  • Performance – This is a no-brainer that if the performer does not deliver the line with aplomb, even the most jhakaas of lines will pass like a ship in the dark.  
  • Immediate Impact – People in the theatre must sit up and say ‘WOW’ because of the situation in which the line is said.  
  • Repeat Value – People should want to say it in real life. Most filmi dialogues are such bombastic that we never think of saying it in real life but it should make us want to.

With these in mind and picking from the suggestions received from friend, here is my assessment of the Most Impactful Lines in Bollywood (using a shortlist of 15 culled from responses on Facebook and Twitter).

Aapke pair bahut khubsoorat hain. Inhe zameen par mat rakhiyega. Mailey ho jayengey.
Performance – 8. Immediate Impact – 6. Repeat Value – 5. 
Total – 19 

Har aadmi ke liye ek aurat bani hain. Agar usse bach gaye toh samjho zindagi ban jayegi.
Performance – 7. Immediate Impact – 7. Repeat Value – 8. 
Total – 22

Hum woh hain jo kisi ke peechhe nahin khade hote. Hum jahan pe khade ho jaate hain, line wahin se shuru hoti hain.
Performance – 8. Immediate Impact – 7. Repeat Value – 7. 
Total – 22

Aansoo pochh dalo, Pushpa. I hate tears.
Performance – 7. Immediate Impact – 8. Repeat Value – 8. 
Total – 23

 Badi badi deshon mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hain, Senorita.
Performance – 7. Immediate Impact – 8. Repeat Value – 8. 
Total – 23 

Yeh haath mujhe de de, Thakur.
Performance – 10. Immediate Impact – 10. Repeat Value – 3. 
Total – 23

Khandaani chor hoon. Aaya hoon, kuchh to lootke jaoonga.
Performance – 8. Immediate Impact – 7. Repeat Value – 9. 
Total – 24 

Picture abhi baaki hain, mere dost.
Performance – 7. Immediate Impact – 7. Repeat Value – 10. 
Total – 24 

Thoda khao, thoda phneko.
Performance – 7. Immediate Impact – 7. Repeat Value – 10. 
Total – 24

 Kabhi kabhi jeetne ke liye kuch haarna padhta hain. Aur haarke jeetne wale ko baazigar kehte hain.
Performance – 8. Immediate Impact – 8. Repeat Value – 9.
Total – 25

Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahin, namumkin hain.
Performance – 9 (AB)/6 (SRK). Immediate Impact – 8 (AB)/6 (SRK). Repeat Value – 8.
Total – 25 (AB)/20 (SRK). 

Shaant gadaadhari Bheem, shaant.
Performance – 8. Immediate Impact – 8. Repeat Value – 10. 
Total – 26

 Mere paas maa hain.
Performance – 9. Immediate Impact – 9. Repeat Value – 9.
Total – 27

 Mogambo khush hua.
Performance – 10. Immediate Impact – 10. Repeat Value – 8.  
Total – 28

Main aaj bhi phneke hue paise nahin uthata.
Performance – 10. Immediate Impact – 10. Repeat Value – 8. 
Total – 28

(Mere blog mein mera favourite No. 1 banega, samjhe? Pasand nahin aaya to apne blog mein apna favourite ko No. 1 banao! Mwahahahaha...)