The Gandhian display of non-violence by the Indian batsmen was made worse by the utterly predictable and soporific quotes our heroes dished out after each of the matches.
Only if there was a Subtitler which scrolls out the real feelings of the speaker when he is paying lip service! It would combine the virtue of honesty with top class entertainment...
Sample the real words behind the standard quotes given below!
WHAT HE SAID: "I don't think its criticism which motivates cricketers into doing well. If the team did well in 2003 World Cup after initial days it was because they played well, not because there was criticism back home."
WHAT HE MEANT: "Look, Viru is deaf and will remain that way till he signs a contract with a hearing aid company. Kaif has had his house vandalized before so he has taken home insurance. Raina and Mongia have not been able to see the ball after landing here, so can’t pretend they are hearing the shouts even! Dhoni’s biggest strength is that he does not see the ball or hear the taunts and I am not sure we should change that! So back off guys and play the Hutch World Cup Contest instead of following our every move!"
WHAT HE SAID: "There is no question of sacking him (Chappell). Till the contract is there, there is no need to interfere in it. I had a detailed discussion with the Chairman of Selection Committee. I requested him to go to South Africa immediately or as early as possible, discuss with the coach, captain and players and communicate the feelings of the countrymen."
WHAT HE MEANT: "The Aussie bastard was smart enough to have a penalty clause in his contract so we cannot sack him before the year is out. However, I have told Dilip to explain to the bugger that if we continue cutting the sorry state we are doing currently, NCP activists will chop his balls off even before his luggage comes off the conveyor belt in Bombay!"
WHAT HE SAID: "Countries everywhere use a system. There are highs and lows in everything, you have to be patient about things and cannot afford to be too emotional, or it will lead you nowhere. In Australia, for instance, we started a process in the mid-eighties, and it took nearly nine years for things to come together. The England line-up that won them the Ashes last year was also the result of a process that took five years."
WHAT HE MEANT: "My system of weeding out all the rebels in the team ended up with all the old fogies out on their ass. Zaheer and Kumble are trying to make me eat their words but I will scrape through. All I need is 3 years of the half-a-million dollar coach’s salary to secure my retirement. Suggest you guys shut up till then and after I am off, you can bomb Rahul Dravid’s house for all I care."
WHAT HE SAID: "I'm happy to be back. My job is to go and do well. I've been playing well for ten years. I've a lot of runs behind me and experience of playing on bouncy pitches in South Africa. I have played with the same group of players earlier. I hope I can continue in the same way."
WHAT HE MEANT: "With my record against South Africa, my job is to invoke all the blessings Ma Chandi can get for me. I just hope the gora jerk does not select me for any of the tests. Buddha-babu would ensure that there is a Bharat Bandh and others would keep the pot boiling. I can slink away into retirement after this, claiming not to have been given chances when I was in form!"
WHAT HE SAID: "Fans should keep the trust in us. We did well in the Test series in the West Indies earlier this year, and will try to turn things around here also. We will keep working on our basics. Tests are a different game altogether and the tour game in between will be useful to get some batting practice."
WHAT HE MEANT: "Please do not stone my house. I will start to go the nets in this break. I have promised to Rahul that I will not do the Boost, Dabur and Mayur ad shoots before the tests. I may not be able to avoid dubbing for the new Coke ad but I promise to read Boycott’s coaching manual in the breaks! But, please please please do not stone my house."
Hyuck hyuck... this is so much better!