Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Bad Songs

This was meant to be a public-service post.
There are bad songs. And there are bad songs that you can't get out of your head... You hear them once and you are doomed. Like ear wax, they take up permanent residence in your ear-canal. This post was meant to point out those bad songs you are not supposed to hear lest you cannot forget them.
But there is a problem.. if you click on any of the links to be warned, you will have to hear them and... suck that, Joseph Heller!
Anyway, here goes...

Aye Hip Hopper - Ishq Bector
This is probably the worst of the lot and keeping in mind the august company, that is saying a lot! A domestic help who has been certified by the same institute which gave Rakhi Sawant a secretarial degree is wooing her master with a strange mix of erotic bai-giri - eggs, rose-petaled baths, foot rubs and so on. And the voice, oh the voice!

No Touching Only Seeing - Himesh Reshamaiya
If you mute the sound and watch the video (from a movie called Damadamm), it is superior WTF material - which has wowed seasoned commentators like Amit Varma. Police constables, Singh is King, Shahenshah, Bangkok hostesses, Lucknow courtesans, Batman, Phoolan Devi... stupendous! And just when you thought you had come to terms with Himesh's voice, came the female voice...

Tandoori nights - Himesh Reshamaiya
If the many Zzz-s in the remake of Karz was not enough, they packed in as many bad songs as they could. The crowning glory of this monstrosity was Tan tan tan tandoori nights... sung with passion by Himesh and danced to with abandon by Himesh and Urmila. All of Urmila's sexiness cultivated from her dances in Rangeela got pissed away in this tandoori masala.
(But you'll have to admit the name of the song is catchy. I have seen many thekas/roadside joints in Gurgaon bearing this name!)

Chiggy wiggy - AR Rehman
My fingers quivered a little bit as I typed the last 8 letters of the previous line. But Rehman is nothing if he's not memorable so in a superb twist, his worst ever song remains unforgettable. Kylie Minogue (or whoever it was) shook her chiggy wiggy (or whatever it is called) as Akshay Kumar flailed his hands and screamed alliterative words like khatoon, khidmat, khiladi and khwahish before collapsing in a heap (along with the song or whatever it was called).

Do me a favour let's play Holi - Annu Malik
Actually, any of Annu Malik's songs he has sung himself deserves to be in this list. But I will avoid the temptation (or its exact opposite) to include Oonchi hain building, lift teri bandh hain and restrict myself to only this. The biggest tragedy of this absolute inanity of a Holi song appeared in a film which starred Amitabh Bachchan, the God who sang the Holi anthem.
Do me a favour. Don't let Mr Malik sing. Ever. Again.

Dr Dhingra - Baba Sehgal
Little children - who have only heard Himesh in movies and Annu Malik on Indian Idol - have vaguely heard of names like Rafi, Kishore et al and always wondered that Indian music has been a heaven of sur and taal.
They don't know Baba Sehgal and the terror he unleashed in a short burst of popularity in the early days of satellite television.
After a hugely successful and moderately tuneful first album (helped by Pooja Bedi in the video), he came up with a second album which was called Main Bhi Madonna (featuring Baba - Sehgal, not to be confused with present-day Ramdev - in drag). If people thought this was monstrous, it was followed by Dr Dhingra MBBS (Music By Baba Sehgal).
Look no further. Hear no further.

Hachhi aati hain - Jamai Raja
Only in India can composers & lyricist be so creative that they can make romantic scenes out of coughs and romantic songs out of sneezes. (What's next? Romantic scenes out of farts? Thankfully, that hasn't happened. Yet.)
Two leading stars of the day - Anil Kapoor and Madhuri Dixit - enacted a complete song (composed by Laxmikant-Pyarelal, no less) interspersed with entirely believable sneezes as the junior artistes danced energetically and we watched enthusiastically. But when even a marginally audible song has loud sneezes happening between the stanzas, it enters your ear and refuses to leave. Yes, Jamai Raja released in 1990 and I still remember it.
(However, the film wasn't a total washout. There was one brilliant scene in which Hema Malini and Anil Kapoor faced off with dialogues built out of names of their previous films! Watch here, from 10:00 onwards. And excuse my excitement since I remember the scene to be much better than what I saw just now.)
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